Sometimes you just gotta be a Bitch

I remember sitting in my homegirls room hearing her bark at a dude. I remember thinking to myself "well got dayyuummm!...angry much?!" I remember her telling me, Nis, you gotta be like that with them otherwise they'll think they can get away with taking advantage of you.

See I like being the nice girl. I don't really do the whole drama thing, I don't like yelling (although when pushed, I can go there), and I prefer to be having an adventure or smashing as opposed to being in some dumb ass "fight" with my man. My adrenaline rush isn't waiting for the thrill of makeup sex. If a dude messes up, I forgive and hope he sincerely means to do better.

The older I get though, and as much as I hate to admit it. She was right. Being the nice girl, is perfectly fine, but that chick has track marks from Jordans and dress shoes all up and down her back. She's been taken advantage of and lied to more times than she can count.

 I don't know if anyone else is willing to admit this, but sometimes black people are some of the most hypocritical. When you're willing to extend trust and the benefit of the doubt and thing go wrong...well..."you were foolish", " you shouldn't have trusted him", "the bible says trust no man." But when you get your guard up and play defense "you're bitter" "You're an angry black woman" "you're too hard on these guys", "you're standards are too high." So when I was open and trusting I was called stupid, but when I decide to protect my heart...now I come off as "angry" or "bitter:...:insert confused face here:

At the end of the day, we have to be able to trust our partners. WTF is life if you gotta always sleep with one eye open for the one person in the world besides your parents (hopefully) that you ought to be able to trust? How do you walk down the aisle thinking "he's gonna cheat on me" or "he might hit me" or "he may not have 100% of my best interest at heart" and still say those vowels in the sight of God? The bible says trust no man, but he also told men to love their wives like Christ loves the Church. If a man is supposed to love his wife like how Christ loves us then how do we then account for not being able to trust our mates? Where and why is there a logic gap? I need answers!!!

Good girls finish last way more often than good guys. There's just more of us with a smaller selection pool. I don't have the strength to be a bitch all the time. I don't have the discipline to keep him in check all the time - he's a grown ass man who should be able to keep his own self in check. But you know what....sometime you just gotta be a bitch.

Pseudo-Boo

So I went through a really rough relationship and breakup a few years back (circa 2009ish). It was one of those breakups that had me like "wait...what the hell happened" not because I was confused about the circumstances under which it dissolved, but because I didn't understand why or how I got sucked into it in the first place. Anyway, after that experience I didn't want to have anything to do with a relationship for a good long while. My first love was devastating, second love was a "WTF?!" through its totality, and I was exhausted emotionally.

During some of those months, I got to know myself so much better. I worked on my spirit, worked on accepting my flaws and the person that I had become. It was a really enriching experience. I avoided the emotional work as it relates to relationships however. I went through a phase where I wanted a "Pseudo-Boo." Does it sound like I'm talking about Casper?....Good. Cause I am, so to speak.

A Pseudo-Boo is someone that gives you the companionship of a relationship but without the emotional and/or physical commitment and is about as purely honest a relationship between two consensual adults can get in my opinion. Its two people who are both emotionally drained or otherwise unavailable, seeking refuge in each other's company. There is less risk of emotional damage because there are no emotions. You can go out with the person and feel free to text the next dude at the same time. You can cuddle at night while watching a comedy together, and then he wishes you well on your date the next evening.

Being a Pseudo-Boo or having one means knowing whether or not you are willing to potentially go through heartbreak again. If you are not, then finding someone on the same airwave is amazing.  While you're getting the training wheels off again, you have that person cheering you on, going through their own metamorphosis.

Can you remain friends with a Pseudo-Boo once you move on? Depends. I don't personally entertain convos with exes or past partners if I'm in a new relationship but some people are different. At the end of the day, you both experienced a level of vulnerability and honesty that most real relationships never get to - and that can be intimidating to a new partner.