The Burn Out Phone

So am guilty as shit for giving my digits out in the club. I do it because im bored, single, and i love not paying for meals. I have no shame in that. BUTTTTTTT that means that there are a lot of undesirables that have access long after their 15 minutes is up. These include the ones that turn out to be stalkers, pressed, thirsty, unkempt when outside the club, etc. Especially the ones that wanna make out in the theatre on the FIRST DATE.

Lesson 1: Keep hoes at an arms distance.

Welcome, the Burn Out Phone.

Am I wrong for dusting off my old prepaid Nokia phone? Digging up that old spare sim card? Activating the phone? and giving the "new" number out? Would I be wrong for having some hood ass song (insert Wacka Flocka title here) as the ring tone?

No its not wrong. Cause at the end of the day, the guy that makes it out the burn out phone and is blessed with the real digits will never have to here "There's some hoes in this house" radiating frommy purse. The burn out phone will be safely tucked back in its dusty corner right next to my pepper spray.

Habitual Crotch Watcher

Today...was a sad day.  I was watching Maury and thought to myself, "I wonder how big Maury's penis is?"

This past week I have been staring at guys' crotches and I CAN'T STOP!!!  Conversations start off normal and then my mind starts to wonder and then goes my eyes...from his eyes...to his chest...to...his...penis...imprint.  I'm a creeper.  I accept this.  I can't help that when my monthly is approaching I become in heat.  I blame ovulation and my natural instinct to procreate.  So when my eyes lock in to where the zipper meets the tiny steel button I can't help but wonder and imagine...

I mean if a man can oogle cleavage I can superman stare through your jeans and question your manhood. I mean it only lasts for a week and then I'm back to daydreaming about shoes and not the imprint of the cute direct care staff that just asked where to put the poland spring water jug. Ohhhh behave.

A convo I found in my saved messages from 6/9/2010

April: I don't want an assembly required type dude
I wanna man already made
With a warranty

Katrina: Ready made.....shit is real
Lmaoooooooooooooooo But u know what that's what u wanted....no more outreach ctr relationships.

April: U get what u ask for huh?

Katrina: Yesssss man.....tooooo grown for that shit

April : I guess I am an adult huh

Katrina: Yessssss as shit

April : This is crazy my nig
I am a grown ass woman
Wow
Shit is deep

Katrina: Yessssss....that's why u suppose date grown ups
Katrina: Equally yoked

April: Lol
True my nig
Like what hood niggas say
I never thought I would see the age of 23

Katrina: Yessssssssssssssssss

April: Let alone talk to a grown ass man
Thank you God

Katrina: Therefore don't date down ever again that's the rule for 2010
Yessss that's God*
If u just wanna bustitbaby on the side

April : Lmaooooooooo

Katrina: Then nigggas serve a purpose.....but not serious dating perspective

April: Speak truth my nig
Testify

Katrina: Lmaooooooooooooo

April: Life!

Katrina: Yes indeed I hope everything works out sounds like a good catch

April: Everything will work out.

Katrina: However.....I am doing a new study "niggas: ya'll got jobs?"

April: I'm claiming it. Lmao
Stop

Katrina: :)
Happy for u....

April: Thanks chica
Nigga jobs: DTLR, footlocker, Popeyes, Sprint
Kicks, food, and phones

Katrina: Yessssss nigggga jobs

April: Nigga necessities

Katrina: Lmaooooooooooooo
Right right

April: Here is a correlation I discovered

Katrina: Speak my nig

April : If 1 nigga in the hood work at sprint then everybody in the WHOLE hood got a sprint phone

Katrina: Lmaoooooo u right

April: IE. The hook up

Katrina: Yes yes correct
That applies to all aspects
Food
Cable

April: Yes ma'am

Katrina: Jordans

April : Hahahaha

Katrina: Rims

April : I actually have a BRILLIANT business plan

Katrina: Yes lol

April : A lica store that delivers

Katrina: Whattttt?????? That would be very profitable in the hood
For the sick and the shut ins

April: Slogan: when ur too drunk to get more lica, don't worry nigga. We deliva!!!

Katrina: Lmaooooooooooooo
We can get ur jawn to market/pr
Its perfect

April: Riiiiiiiiiiiight!!!!

Katrina: Lmaooooooooooo

April: We gonna pop that off in the next 5 years.

Katrina: Lmaoooooooo omgeeeeee we will be millionaires

April: Billionaires my nig
We have revolutionized the game

Katrina: iCant

April: LMAOOOO

Katrina: Revolutionized though
Shut up

April: Hahahaha
I'm just sayin my nig
The lica game won't be the same

Katrina: It won't it wont
We like meals on wheels
Except we have 40s and goose

April: LmFaoooo
: AA tell u quit. We say nah that's not it
Don't have a car. We'll bring you the bar
No more DUIs. We got the supply
My nig. We'll lower drunk driving by 15% globally
They'll have no choice but to give us the nobel peace prize

Katrina: Lmaooooooooo yes my nig.....we gonna make history

April : I'm thinkin the delivery trucks can be big ass trucks on 40inch rims
So we can call it 40s on 40s

Katrina: And a system

April: Yes

Katrina: Lmaoooooo I like the way u think

April: Hahahaha

Katrina: All black errrythang.....cause nigggas like that shit

April: Lmfaooo
Riiight riiight

Katrina: Lol

Voted Off

My friend told me yesterday that she can't just cut friends out of her life like I can.  At first I was offended, because when I count the people that I legit cared for whom I cut all ties I could only count 3.  But I guess the number appeared to be bigger than it was because the relationship I had with those 3 equaled out to be near 300.  Everyone was and still is shocked that those friendships ended.  I am asked from time to time do I ever miss them.  I answered and still answer no.  If being able to cut off best friends you knew for decades and not look back makes me cold then hey I am an eskimo.  If I felt I was the reason that the friendship went sour then I would feel remorse and regret but when I replay how things came to an end and I know I fought to the end and overlooked shady events then I can wholeheartedly sever ties without shedding a single tear of what once was.  Sometimes peoples' purpose in your life expire but you still hold on even when your bond has become rotten and detrimental to your sanity.  Yet we still try to salvage and still try to make excuses for behavior that would get an ordinary person benched with the upmost quickness.  We are all creatures of habit. No one wants to be the one to end a long relationship but self preservation is key.  If you have nothing positive to add to my life and most of our interactions are strained and bitter why force a cube into a circular hole?  No matter how you twist and push the result will consistently be the same...it's not going to work homie.  You have to cut that player because not everybody can be on your team.  Not everyone has your best interest at heart and wants to see you succeed. Unfortunately those that are most close to us are the first to feel twinges of jealousy when a loved one starts to do better than them.  It is how the person reacts to that twinge that determines how much of a friend they are to you.  Never underestimate someone's underlying intentions, because it can be your right hand man wishing you harm...Caesar and Brutus style. 

Tales of Zeta spokespersons to Winnie the Pooh/Sex Offender

You'reSUCHaNerd   In a recent convo with Kevin

  You'reSUCHaNerd   I said "Esther Rolle is the face of Zeta........and she represents everything they stand for...........a whole bunch of Mammies"

 GoalDigger Mhmm

  You'reSUCHaNerd   I cracked myself up

 GoalDigger LMFAOOOO ur a straight foooooool

 Beyond Belief Blessed Lmao

  You'reSUCHaNerd   *drops mic*

 Beyond Belief Blessed April I had to reup for 30 mins

Been up since 5

 Getting gas on my way

 GoalDigger Huh

 What do u mean

 Ur not almost here?

Liz...

 Beyond Belief Blessed No I needed a nap

 I'm like 40mins out

 GoalDigger O slept in your car?

 Beyond Belief Blessed Yes

 GoalDigger Ok. Be safe.

THE NEXT MORNING...

  You'reSUCHaNerd   Liz......

 With one step closer to your goals..........Fortitude my dude

 GoalDigger She sleep nigga

  You'reSUCHaNerd   Lol......

  That's all I had to say.........good day niggas

 GoalDigger Lmao foolery

 Go be constructive with ur day nigga

  You'reSUCHaNerd   What???

 That was inspirational message

 Like Rev Run in the tub

 Nigga I am about to go study for my LG

 GoalDigger Lmaaooo

 O ok

 May the force be with you

 That's all I got to say

  You'reSUCHaNerd   Shut the f up!!!!!!

 GoalDigger The force being God

  You'reSUCHaNerd   You seem angry today

 GoalDigger And not Yoda

  You'reSUCHaNerd   Lmaooooooo

Oh niggga

 Beyond Belief Blessed Lol I'm up now with all the damn beeps and shit

 GoalDigger See what u did Katrina

  You'reSUCHaNerd   Oh my bad

 GoalDigger She was quite peaceful

  You'reSUCHaNerd   Well time to get up.......time to get going

 GoalDigger Uggghhh

  You'reSUCHaNerd   Ps: winnie the pooh was one homosexual character

  Anyways I will talk to you guys later.........

 GoalDigger Fuck that yellow nigga

His whole gang was questionable

  You'reSUCHaNerd   Naw eore

 Was a nigga

That's why he was like.......hey pooh

 GoalDigger Eore smoked weed

  You'reSUCHaNerd   That nigga wasn't sad

 GoalDigger And needed xanax

  You'reSUCHaNerd   He just was mad........that them niggas was there

 GoalDigger I think he also had a learning disability

 He look like he read slow

  You'reSUCHaNerd   Lmaoooooooo

 GoalDigger U know u hated that nigga in class

  You'reSUCHaNerd   I did

 GoalDigger Took him 10 minutes to read a paragraph

  You'reSUCHaNerd   Like why the teacher calling this nigga

  Everybody be like ugggggggh

 GoalDigger Lolol exxaaccctttlly

  Riiight everybody was like damn not this non-phonics nigga

Eore knew he was that nigga

  You'reSUCHaNerd   Lmaooooooooooo

Whateva.......

 GoalDigger Gave him a complex, he got sad, started to smoke weed, now he even slower.

  You'reSUCHaNerd   That's you assessment

 GoalDigger I'm just stating facts

 Well I am a social worker

I get paid to do this shit

  You'reSUCHaNerd   That nigga still aint fuck with pooh

 GoalDigger Now Imma give u another break down

 Regarding pooh and eore's relationship

  You'reSUCHaNerd   ???

 GoalDigger In the early years of their friendship pooh and eore used to kick it more.

Eore was having some hard times with his girl.

  You'reSUCHaNerd   Right

 GoalDigger Pooh told him to come over. Have a couple beers&watch the game

  You'reSUCHaNerd   When pooh ever watch the game

 GoalDigger Little did Eore know that pooh was plottin on that ass

  Exxaactttly

  You'reSUCHaNerd   Smdh

 GoalDigger So Eore came over and Pooh brought out his best honey. Enticed that nigga

  You'reSUCHaNerd   Right

  Since then Eore don't really fuck with him tooo much

 GoalDigger While Eore was eating the honey Pooh laced a blunt with some angel dust. Knew Eore was a weed head and let him smoke that sticky icky

Now Eore high as a kite.

  You'reSUCHaNerd   Sooo Eore is the real victim

 GoalDigger Pooh commences to taking off that nigga tail...cuz it was held on by tack and u know that shit aint too comfortable

Eore wanna fight but he soo high and it feel kinda good. I don't need to say what else happened but the next day Eore is like wtf have I done and don't bang with pooh like that

Now everywhere he go he bump into pooh

  You'reSUCHaNerd   And pooh raped Eore

  Eore need counseling

 GoalDigger When he say "hey pooh" he really mean "damn not this nigga again"

  You'reSUCHaNerd   That nigga is depressed and suicidal

 GoalDigger That's my story and I'm sticking to it

  You'reSUCHaNerd   Lmaooooooooo

 And pooh want a thug nigga

That's why he keep popping up

  Eore is a victim

 GoalDigger Lol

 Yes Eore was taken advantage of

 And pooh is a DAN

Don't Hate Me cuz You have Shoes Older than Me

It has become an ongoing trend in my life.  Really don't know why I even become surprised anymore. Despite this damn blog I really am a nice non-confrontational considerate young lady.  I help out anyone that needs it at work. I take the initiative and am driven, as well as a go-getter.  I dress well and the shoe game is on lock.  Most of my coworkers/supervisors adore me and I truly enjoy my job. Which I am starting to think is the problem.

Unbeknownst to me there is always a bitter old black woman lurking in between the filing cabinets...watching...studying...hating...FOR NO REASON!!!  She has been working her job for too long and takes it too seriously.  She's a crab in a polyester suit that hates to see any young black woman  surpass her.  O she'll befriend you and even give you advice.  But let your eager motivated ass get some type of recognition or advancement then she wants no parts of you.  It never fails that I always get caught up. But what gets me is that every time Moses' sister wants to start trouble with me its for THEE dumbest reasons in the world.  It legit boggles my brain that me using 3 pumps of soap to wash my hands instead of 2 warrants the world ending. Why are you clocking my soap usage anyway? Is there a soap tax that comes out of your check? Do I tell you your bengay is stinkin up the office? Or that your Depends is clearly full? Or to re-up on your fixident because your dentures make a rattling sound when you talk? No, I don't. I let you live. So let me be great.

Excuse me sir...Here's a tampon for your vagina.

When I was just a mere innocent pup at the age of 5 in this thing called life, my Uncle dropped a major jewel on me.  I was too young to understand what he said then but that wisdom  rings loud and true now.

"Bitches are bitches, but niggas are bitches too"

So simple yet so powerful. 19 years later, the world has resonated to call this bitchassness. 

Did I know in the beginning I was getting involved with a bitch ass dude...of course not.  No one willingly agrees to enter into a relationship with a dude that has ovaries.  I was hoodwinked...bamboozled...I didn't land on bitchassness, bitchassness landed on me...if you will.  The friendship matured normally at first. We dated, got to know each other, and feelings started to develop.  It was wonderful...until ol boy started getting caught up all in his emotions.  I couldn't even joke with him without his chest getting tight and him getting vex over a joke.  A joke that I made a week before that he laughed at but I guess wasn't funny then.  What happened?! Well let me tell you...

He started liking me and got nervous about how "open" he was feeling.  He went in to protection mode at the possibilty of being hurt or rejected. It was "I like you so much" one minute, then "I can't stand you" the next. Ummmm, are you having mood swing sir? Confusion can't even explain what I was feeling.  I was getting to the point where I was hypothesizing that the dude has to be skeetin estrogen.

Every single conversation ended in a knock down drag out argument; starting with innocent conversation, then a harmless comment is made by moi which he takes, twists, hammers, braids, and molds the comment into something it wasn't even intended to mean (sounds like a bitch right?).  Son admits to me one day that the reason he is so mean to me is because he likes me (so you're a five year old?). I'm fed up at this point and am completely over him.  When we argue I don't even get upset due to me being emotionally detached from him & the bullshit.  I find myself hitting him up when I'm bored just to start an argument so that I can laugh when he transforms into the decepticon, "Megapussy."  Each time I text him "do you shave your vagina" or "wipe between your legs homie, you're bleeding" I am convinced more and more that what he's really upset about is that I know his secret.  His manhood has come into question because he allowed himself to be reduced down to the one thing a man's man never wants to be seen as.  Yet I had no sympathy. I had reach my limit and a man acting like his balls stored eggs was very unbecoming.  Cool it homie. It's never that serious. I get cramps too.

Dating...

is bullshit repetitive what is your favorite color why did he stop calling me why does he call me so much what am I going to wear why is he snoring during this movie is there something in my teeth omg I have a wedgie ugggh he's 15 minutes late why did I call him 5 times in a row did he really pick this wack restaurant is he going to pay  for this date I wonder how big his penis is why does he keep checkin his phone I feel fat in this dress ooo the waiter is cute I should tell my friend call and say its an emergency I have to leave we would make beautiful babies why am I here I would so sleep with him awkward silence church hugs vibin conversations to kiss or not to kiss did he just touch me butterflies he looked better in the club 2nd date? good morning texts have u ever been with a man I wonder how many girls he's talking to right now unreturned phone calls the reholla forced conversation overanalyzing best behavior did I just put his last name behind mine to see how it sounds this shit is for the birds.

Hello, my name is April and I'm a drunk dialer.

It is a rather simple equation:

Alcohol + Free nights and weekends = Self Destruction

It never fails. IT NEVER FUCKING FAILS. I get a lil loose off the goose and what do I do at 3am?  Pick up the phone and either find HIS number to call or type a text message that looks like "Omgnf I fweckin lik uuuu soodfdo mcuh" ...I have mastered the art of slurring my texts because if he picks up the phone after I repeatedly call him that is exactly how I will sound. So uncool, so unlady like, so funny, yet so wrong.  Brutal honesty pours out my mouth followed with hiccups. I am a hot flaming mess and at that very moment I don't give a fuck. I am having the time of my life and I just want to share that moment with someone who ends up becoming a victim/participant of an unbecoming phone call.  Most of the time it is hilarious, but then there is a time when I can slur out something that was fermenting in the back of my head for weeks and a conversation goes south q u i c k l y. 

*sigh*

I am a habitual line crosser and I don't know how to get out of this vicious cycle of vodka and sprint. I need help people.

Ever woke up feeling like an asshole? Smelling of bad decisions and yesterday?  Knowing somewhere in the world you burnt down a bridge?

Friday night I almost ruined a perfectly good friendship with a young man that I am really digging. Dating life almost in shambles. All because I was feeling talkative and just wanted to hear his voice. Welp...the next day arrives and I learn that he was not entertained by my shenanigans.  o_O  Completely embarrassed.  All I could do was apologize multiple times. He was the kick in the ass that I needed to make some sort of self-evaluation happen.  I was 24 and still felt that drunk dialing was acceptable. I mean I love Drake's "Marvin's Room," because someone has either been Drake or had a Drake call them. But let's be honest...that was not cool.  Drake should have took his drunk ass home and slept off that rose' and xo.  Following my own advice I am hoping that this guy will see that I am human, still growing and forgive my indiscretions and understand that although I have wild child tendencies it is never my intention to be disrespectful.

...I just really wanted to hear his voice <3